Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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