Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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