You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
