We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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