i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
she pinky promised me she was 18
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
