woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
