You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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