So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
