My room smells like vodka and shame
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
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When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
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i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
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