Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
