Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
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You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
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I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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