I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
