mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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