How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
