i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
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I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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