My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
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