Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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