i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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