She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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