Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
