I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
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If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
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Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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