No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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