I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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