Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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