Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
