you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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