just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
