Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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