My liver just broke up with me...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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