The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
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I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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