tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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