Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
