This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
