why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
