i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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