Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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