I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
