My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
