I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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