i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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