neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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