Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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