the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
