tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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