The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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