best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
