remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
