weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
