When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
