I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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