A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
