i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
