1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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