My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
