I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
