Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Randomize
