How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
