sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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