I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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