Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
