doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
