i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
