i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
