Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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