just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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