We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
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Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
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Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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